This is a short one today and it is definitely not one that I thought I would write. I had it all planned out, writing my story. I definitely didn’t factor today’s part of the story into it.
I thought about hiding how I feel today, because people reading this are all giving me such amazing comments. Like telling me what an inspiration I am, how strong I’m being and how positive I am. People are approaching me at work and telling me how much they are enjoying the read. How could I let people down by putting this out there?
But if I didn’t write this particular part of the story, I wouldn’t really be speaking my truth would I? I wouldn’t be telling you my story as it is.
Today I am not OK. Physically I’m OK, albeit a little tired. However, today I’m having my first real “why me?” day. I’m furious, I’m resentful and I’m scared. I don’t really know what’s brought it on. Possibly the fact that Dave and I were talking about my first appointment with an MS Specialist next Friday, and I’m terrified. I’m not entirely sure why. They can’t tell me anything worse than what I already know (I don’t think), except that maybe they need to give me a lumbar puncture so that they can work out what medication I need.
It just feels that today, all them questions and statements are coming out. You know the ones:
“It’s not fair”
“I don’t deserve this. Nobody deserves this.”
“Why me anyway?”
“How did this happen?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
Today, I can’t believe that I have MS. Perhaps I’ve been living in a place of denial for a while and today I’m finally seeing it. Or maybe I have been seeing it all along, but today I’m just having one of those days. It’s all part of the journey though I guess.
I asked Louise earlier “why me?” Do you know what she said? “Because it will change you and make you an amazing person.”
How awesome is she?
Anyway, after an epic cry, a big cuddle with Dave, my favourite for tea (pasticcio if you’re interested) and a few more wise words from Louise, I feel a LOT better.
Sometimes all you need is a cry to put everything in perspective (and to put it in a blog post).
N.B: I feel better having written this. To the point that I almost didn’t publish it. But I really did feel like this just half an hour ago, so it’s going out there, warts and all!