There’s a moment where you realise that this disease isn’t going to beat you. I had that moment this evening in the gym.

Prior to being diagnosed with MS, I was a reasonably consistent gym goer. I found a love for lifting heavy shit and I didn’t really look back. But then it all just stopped. I couldn’t face the gym. I was mentally exhausted trying to come to terms with the hand that I’d been dealt.

In a bid to reignite my passion, I switched gyms in April, leaving X4L (which quite frankly had really taken a downward turn) and moved to DW, which has now merged with Fitness First.

I was still at X4L though until April but nothing seemed to motivate me to go. That was until the day I somewhat dramatically had a complete melt down and realised that perhaps the only reason my MS wasn’t particularly showing itself physically, was the strength I’d spent the last four years building. Then I got really hysterical, or rather irrational and realised that if I didn’t go to the gym right this second, I would have a relapse tomorrow that would put me in a wheelchair.

Melodramatic as this was, it was probably the gigantic kick up the proverbial that I needed. I found my “why”.

I tentatively began dipping my toe back into the gym in early April, but I couldn’t face the free weights area on my own. I was terrified! I always had so much confidence at my previous gym, but I knew it and I knew lots of the faces. It was familiar. To help combat this, I dragged Lou to a couple of Body Pump classes, but then Clare told me that she wanted to start lifting weights.

Brilliant! This was just what I needed! I needed a project. After four years of having a personal trainer, I no longer need one. I know what I’m doing. So using everything I’ve learned, I have developed a training plan for me and Clare. Having someone to go to the gym with, makes it harder to not bother. I wouldn’t hear the end of it if I skipped a session. Believe me!

So this evening, as Clare and I trained back and arms, I had that realisation.

I don’t lift the heaviest weights in the gym. I don’t have the body of someone that lifts weights in the gym. I don’t count my macros (I’ve learned that it’s ok to just eat whatever you want and it balances itself out anyway!)

But do you know what I am?

I am a fucking badass

I had no idea that I have MS and I lifted all the heavy stuff. Why stop now just because I have a “label”?

So I’m not stopping. Sure, my goals have changed; I’m less bothered about hitting certain personal bests or targets and more bothered about just remaining strong and consistent. My grip has always been a struggle for me. Quite often my grip has hindered me before my strength has. It comes with the condition so it’s time to accept that that will always be a pitfall for me.

Just because I have MS, I don’t have to stop. In fact I can be less tough on myself when I don’t hit that personal best anymore. It’s ok. The fact that I’m even in the gym and lifting stuff that’s not exactly light, is pretty damn awesome.

***According to Urban Dictionary, apparently the first rule of being a badass is not talking about being one. I’ve clearly broken that rule, therefore I’m probably not a badass. But never mind. Because I’m a badass I don’t care what Urban Dictionary says.***