Category: ms

Answers.

Some of you will know that I have been having a really uncertain time with my health recently.

Back in June, I went blind in my left eye. After electrodes in my eye, countless questions about tingling in my legs and a brain scan I was told in September that I might have MS.

After every blood test imaginable, two further MRI scans, a meeting with a neurologist and A LOT of waiting, on Thursday I was diagnosed with relapsing remitting MS. And do you know what? I’m OK. I’m no different to Wednesday. Or May last year before I went blind.

That doesn’t mean to say that I’ve not got a tough period of time ahead of me whilst I come to terms with it. But I’ll get through it.

I might have MS, but it sure as hell won’t be having me.

Limbo.

This week has been pretty rubbish.

Actually, emotionally, I’ve been having a couple of really really naff weeks. A few blogs back, I wrote about the fact that I’m currently going through diagnosis for MS. My position hasn’t changed; I’m still going through diagnosis.

This place that they call “Limbo” isn’t really doing much for me right now. I’m not one to really dwell on stuff though. Don’t get me wrong, I have an emotional reaction to something, but it’s usually over pretty quickly and then I just get on with it. But I can’t do that at the moment. I can’t get on and “deal with it” because I don’t know what it is I’m dealing with.

As a result, I’ve found myself in the last couple of weeks being quite short tempered, emotive. Actually, I don’t even feel like me.

On Tuesday I had a full scale meltdown. Sobbed my eyes out, the lot. Because I can’t “problem solve” the energy I’d usually put into that, has nowhere to go.

So many people have told me how strong I’m being, considering what I am going through. Because people have told me that, I’ve found myself wanting to live up to that standard and not allowing myself to cry (which is crazy really because if there’s one thing I am, it’s a crier!)

I definitely feel better for allowing myself to feel my emotions but I can’t help but have this air of sadness hang over me. It feels alien to me. As a general rule, I have a naturally happy disposition.

At the advice of a colleague, I’ve contacted our employee assistance programme at work. I need someone to talk to. I’ve used it before and it’s brilliant. She correctly pointed out, I need to talk to someone before it gets worse.

Having taken a couple of positive actions (I also called my Neurologist’s secretary for an update) I feel a bit better. I feel less like I’m allowing this to “just” happen to me.

Thankfully, I’ve got an amazing bunch of people around me, from family, friends and work colleagues, to friends I’ve only met online.

You can’t ever underestimate the value of having people that really care about you around.

Crying about it won’t fix me

I’ve not known whether to talk about this openly or not, but here’s the thing. I’m currently going through diagnosis for a neurological condition. They (the doctors) think it’s MS. I’m inclined to believe them.

Reflecting on my health over the past 6 years, I’ve had funny little glitches with my body, along with some serious eye problems thrown in. It was the recent blindness in my left eye, which has sorted itself out now; but triggered the diagnosis I’m going through.

I’m constantly shattered, I’ve permanently got a tingling in my legs and sometimes they feel so weak I don’t want to stand up anymore. I spend my weekends catching up on sleep and even that’s not enough sleep. And this isn’t even half of it.

It’s tough right now. All I want are answers. Unfortunately though it just doesn’t work like that. I just keep getting sent for more tests.

The positives that are already coming out of this for me though is a desire to be happier with who I am, and loving myself more. If things don’t fill me with happiness, why are they in my life?

I’m amazed at my own strength. Sure I spent the first three days of my holiday flinging myself about and crying my eyes out, but I’m through that now.

It’s one of those things that’s just shit. There’s no other way about it. But the fact is, something is up with me and there’s no point wallowing in it. Crying about it isn’t going to fix me. But being strong both physically and mentally will at least put me in the best possible situation to deal with what lies ahead.