Answers.

Some of you will know that I have been having a really uncertain time with my health recently.

Back in June, I went blind in my left eye. After electrodes in my eye, countless questions about tingling in my legs and a brain scan I was told in September that I might have MS.

After every blood test imaginable, two further MRI scans, a meeting with a neurologist and A LOT of waiting, on Thursday I was diagnosed with relapsing remitting MS. And do you know what? I’m OK. I’m no different to Wednesday. Or May last year before I went blind.

That doesn’t mean to say that I’ve not got a tough period of time ahead of me whilst I come to terms with it. But I’ll get through it.

I might have MS, but it sure as hell won’t be having me.

Limbo.

This week has been pretty rubbish.

Actually, emotionally, I’ve been having a couple of really really naff weeks. A few blogs back, I wrote about the fact that I’m currently going through diagnosis for MS. My position hasn’t changed; I’m still going through diagnosis.

This place that they call “Limbo” isn’t really doing much for me right now. I’m not one to really dwell on stuff though. Don’t get me wrong, I have an emotional reaction to something, but it’s usually over pretty quickly and then I just get on with it. But I can’t do that at the moment. I can’t get on and “deal with it” because I don’t know what it is I’m dealing with.

As a result, I’ve found myself in the last couple of weeks being quite short tempered, emotive. Actually, I don’t even feel like me.

On Tuesday I had a full scale meltdown. Sobbed my eyes out, the lot. Because I can’t “problem solve” the energy I’d usually put into that, has nowhere to go.

So many people have told me how strong I’m being, considering what I am going through. Because people have told me that, I’ve found myself wanting to live up to that standard and not allowing myself to cry (which is crazy really because if there’s one thing I am, it’s a crier!)

I definitely feel better for allowing myself to feel my emotions but I can’t help but have this air of sadness hang over me. It feels alien to me. As a general rule, I have a naturally happy disposition.

At the advice of a colleague, I’ve contacted our employee assistance programme at work. I need someone to talk to. I’ve used it before and it’s brilliant. She correctly pointed out, I need to talk to someone before it gets worse.

Having taken a couple of positive actions (I also called my Neurologist’s secretary for an update) I feel a bit better. I feel less like I’m allowing this to “just” happen to me.

Thankfully, I’ve got an amazing bunch of people around me, from family, friends and work colleagues, to friends I’ve only met online.

You can’t ever underestimate the value of having people that really care about you around.

You’ve Got Mail…

I have always loved letters.

When I was younger I used to love, love, LOVE this book:

Image result for postman book with letters

I can’t tell you how many times I borrowed that book out of the library. I adored it, though sadly never actually owned it. I’m not sure what I loved about it so much. Perhaps there was something exciting to me about reading letters written by people and something quite naughty about reading a letter that wasn’t addressed to me!

I was obsessed with the arrival of the mail. Although there was rarely ever post for me, I’d always be the one to collect the post, everyday with the unwavering hope that there would be something for me. Even to this day, I feel a sadness when there are no letters for me.

As I grew up, my sister and I used to play what we fondly called “The Letter Game”. We rigged up all sorts of contraptions to deliver mail to each other from one bunk bed to the other (we seemed to favour a “pully-cord” method, made from scraps of our Nan’s yarn). We would spend hours writing each other letters, creating word searches and games for one another. My sister, the comedian that she is, liked to include a joke, whilst I always sent a positive thought.

“The Letter Game” developed to writing letters to close school friends at school. Back then there was no option to email your friends, keep in touch via Facebook or even chat via text or MSN Messenger. I spent hours pouring over letters from my friends and writing back to them. A friend, Katie and I had a notebook which we passed back and forth between us. I think these letters are all still in the loft at my Mum and Dad’s. Next time I’m back there, I must try and get them down. I would LOVE to see what rubbish we used to talk to each other, which obviously at the time was the most important thing on earth.

I also started writing to my cousin, Emma, around about this time. My Aunt, Uncle and cousins lived about 1.5 hours away and we didn’t really see much of each other. So we used to write to each other, creating our own magazines to send with the letters!

An actual Pen Pal though, that was something I never had the pleasure of. The closest I got was with my German Exchange partner, Daniela, at 13 years old. She was 16 though and our age gap was likely responsible for our written friendship fizzling out with just one or two letters after I visited her in Germany.

This is why the fact that I, Joanna Livermore, am about to acquire two fabulous Pen Pals is such an amazing thing. I’m so excited about making two new friends, but also have so much excitement about both writing and receiving beautiful, handwritten letters.

The art of writing a letter seems to have died a death in the face of social media and digital means of communicating, but I really want to bring it back to life!

Me, Myself and I

This evening I have a rare Saturday night on my own. It’s funny how this feels like a real treat. Rewind 10 years and I’d be off out to get “on it”. Rewind 7 years and I would be crying into my ice cream in the style of Bridget Jones. Go back 5 years, in the very early days of my current relationship I would be feeling as though I had lost a right arm. Ghosts of boyfriends past haunting me, wondering what the hell is he going to be doing, or more accurately WHO the hell is he going to be doing?

Now, in a completely settled and trusting place with my partner, Dave, whilst I love him very very much, the prospect of a night in alone is “The Dream”.

I have friends that find my excitement at him going out strange. If we go back to me from 7 years ago, if asked, I’d agree. However as I’ve grown up, I’ve learned to value, and I mean REALLY value, that time where I hang out with no-one else, just me.

To be able to spend some time on my own is an absolute luxury for me; I work away a lot, and invariably I’m with colleagues. If I’m not with colleagues, sure I’m alone, but I’m not in “my space”. I’m stuck in a hotel room. Don’t get me wrong, they’re more often than not, very comfortable rooms, but it sure ain’t home! The rest of the time, Dave and I are pretty inseparable. Which is lovely, but there comes a point where I just need to be alone!

I can’t say I’ll be doing anything ground breaking. Probably just catching up on some washing, lighting a couple of candles and binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. There may be Yoga and there will definitely be meditation. Not rock ‘n’ roll, but it feels like some quality “Goddess Time” to me!

Hope you have a Saturday night which will be as fulfilling for you, as mine will be for me, whatever you do 🙂

Jxx

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018!

In my last blog post, I talked about my hatred for New Years Eve and the focus on self improvement seeming to come from more of a “beat myself up” place than a move towards personal growth.

The back end of 2017 was very much about self-love and connecting with myself for me, and this shifted my mindset as to how I perceive New Year. It is a great opportunity to think about the upcoming year, and give yourself some goals and something to work on for the next year.

In order to help me create my “Vision Board” for 2018, really understand what I want out of life, and to set me a clear plan of how to make my dreams become a reality, I sponsored a KickStarter project, from the girls behind “Project Love“.

The “Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018″ workbook is a tool to help you take stock of the year you’ve just been through and set some intention and focus for 2018. The audio guide that comes with it coaches you through the workbook and really helps you to answer some all important questions for how you want the year to look.

After reflecting on 2017 you are asked to think about what you want to do with you life in 2018. What I really found was that the fact that I’m still awaiting a diagnosis for my ongoing health worries, was that I was really letting that define (or rather stopping me from defining) my 2018. It was quite eye opening, and it really took some work for me to break that barrier down and see past what is currently unknown.

Finally, you are challenged to answer questions that will shape your 2018. Read on to see my answers…

2018 is my year of: self-love and me!

In my commitment to making 2018 my year of self-love and me I will:

  1. Complete Mel Wells’ Academy
  2. Buy a house so that I have my own space and spend less time living out of a suitcase
  3. Make time to blog, meditate, read and do all the other things that I love to do
  4. Give ME time – I’m constantly rushing around like a mad woman, trying to please others. I will schedule time in for me to hang out with me
  5. Say No!
  6. Learn not to worry about what I have no control over

Declare this commitment to someone who cares about you and wants you to live a life that you love: This person will be Lucy. She doesn’t know it yet, but no-one has my back like her, and she’ll definitely hold me to account if I don’t do what I’m supposed to do!

I’m excited to see what 2018 brings, and I’m excited to look back on this workbook throughout 2018 to see how I’m getting on. I really enjoyed doing this project and can’t wait to see how it works for me!

I’d love to know how you would answer the above questions in the comments below 🙂

Crying about it won’t fix me

I’ve not known whether to talk about this openly or not, but here’s the thing. I’m currently going through diagnosis for a neurological condition. They (the doctors) think it’s MS. I’m inclined to believe them.

Reflecting on my health over the past 6 years, I’ve had funny little glitches with my body, along with some serious eye problems thrown in. It was the recent blindness in my left eye, which has sorted itself out now; but triggered the diagnosis I’m going through.

I’m constantly shattered, I’ve permanently got a tingling in my legs and sometimes they feel so weak I don’t want to stand up anymore. I spend my weekends catching up on sleep and even that’s not enough sleep. And this isn’t even half of it.

It’s tough right now. All I want are answers. Unfortunately though it just doesn’t work like that. I just keep getting sent for more tests.

The positives that are already coming out of this for me though is a desire to be happier with who I am, and loving myself more. If things don’t fill me with happiness, why are they in my life?

I’m amazed at my own strength. Sure I spent the first three days of my holiday flinging myself about and crying my eyes out, but I’m through that now.

It’s one of those things that’s just shit. There’s no other way about it. But the fact is, something is up with me and there’s no point wallowing in it. Crying about it isn’t going to fix me. But being strong both physically and mentally will at least put me in the best possible situation to deal with what lies ahead.