For reasons that will become clear, this blog post wasn’t an easy write. I’m still not even sure I’ll press the publish button yet. We’ll see.
I’ve been back at work for two weeks now. I’m glad to be back (in spite of the anxiety I was feeling in the run up), though I’m still on my phased return. This is good – I’m definitely knackered by Thursday so not fully committing back to my full time hours yet is definitely something I need. I genuinely feel so blessed that I have such an amazing and understanding employer.
In recent weeks, I’ve been wondering what would happen if I decided that my job wasn’t right for me anymore. This isn’t unusual, ever since my diagnosis, I’ve thought at great length about my career options. What if I chose to go elsewhere? Would I find an employer as understanding, that would look after me as well? Or would I just end up a burden? If I was upfront and honest about having MS when I applied for a role at another organisation, would I end up somehow being shafted before I’d even got my foot in the door? You’d like to think that this stuff doesn’t happen in this day and age, but I’ve worked for the same company for 16 years and it terrifies me thinking about what could happen.
Anyway, you can probably see all this building up to a less than pretty state in my head.
My head is a fucking jungle.
Honestly, since Friday I’m constantly on the brink of tears. And not because I went into meltdown thinking about my future! I’m fed up of this stupid bloody heat, I want to stop sweating. I have developed the itchiest scalp I’ve ever encountered and I can feel loads of small spots under my hair. And if I walk for more than five minutes, there is a pain in my right ankle that feels like someone is stabbing me with a burning knife. Which if I really deserve a treat, spreads up my entire leg. Yay!
Thing is, unless we’re REALLY close, if you ask me how I am, I’ll probably tell you I’m fine.
If you notice the slight limp I’ve developed on occasion, it’s unlikely I’ll tell you just how sore it is. I’ll probably brush it under the carpet.
I’ve come to realise, that there’s a lot of pent up anger in me at the moment. That “why me?” anger that so far I’ve only experienced fleetingly, is here in full force. I feel emotionally vulnerable right now. And I think the spontaneous crying is because it helps me to release some of that anger. I feel great after a good cry. It’s like nothing has happened!
Ultimately, right now I’m just really bloody fed up. I’m not feeling very “people-y” and actually, I don’t even feel like slapping on the positive outlook I keep being complimented on.
I feel like the reality of my situation has hit me like a ton of bricks. I keep having to remind myself how much worse things could be. And they really could be. I have nothing terminal. I still have my mobility. I need to gain a little perspective.
Before I stop writing, I need to share this. It landed in my mailbox this morning, and the timing was just so perfect.
It 100% sums where my headspace is at right now.