Tag: health

Limbo.

This week has been pretty rubbish.

Actually, emotionally, I’ve been having a couple of really really naff weeks. A few blogs back, I wrote about the fact that I’m currently going through diagnosis for MS. My position hasn’t changed; I’m still going through diagnosis.

This place that they call “Limbo” isn’t really doing much for me right now. I’m not one to really dwell on stuff though. Don’t get me wrong, I have an emotional reaction to something, but it’s usually over pretty quickly and then I just get on with it. But I can’t do that at the moment. I can’t get on and “deal with it” because I don’t know what it is I’m dealing with.

As a result, I’ve found myself in the last couple of weeks being quite short tempered, emotive. Actually, I don’t even feel like me.

On Tuesday I had a full scale meltdown. Sobbed my eyes out, the lot. Because I can’t “problem solve” the energy I’d usually put into that, has nowhere to go.

So many people have told me how strong I’m being, considering what I am going through. Because people have told me that, I’ve found myself wanting to live up to that standard and not allowing myself to cry (which is crazy really because if there’s one thing I am, it’s a crier!)

I definitely feel better for allowing myself to feel my emotions but I can’t help but have this air of sadness hang over me. It feels alien to me. As a general rule, I have a naturally happy disposition.

At the advice of a colleague, I’ve contacted our employee assistance programme at work. I need someone to talk to. I’ve used it before and it’s brilliant. She correctly pointed out, I need to talk to someone before it gets worse.

Having taken a couple of positive actions (I also called my Neurologist’s secretary for an update) I feel a bit better. I feel less like I’m allowing this to “just” happen to me.

Thankfully, I’ve got an amazing bunch of people around me, from family, friends and work colleagues, to friends I’ve only met online.

You can’t ever underestimate the value of having people that really care about you around.

Me, Myself and I

This evening I have a rare Saturday night on my own. It’s funny how this feels like a real treat. Rewind 10 years and I’d be off out to get “on it”. Rewind 7 years and I would be crying into my ice cream in the style of Bridget Jones. Go back 5 years, in the very early days of my current relationship I would be feeling as though I had lost a right arm. Ghosts of boyfriends past haunting me, wondering what the hell is he going to be doing, or more accurately WHO the hell is he going to be doing?

Now, in a completely settled and trusting place with my partner, Dave, whilst I love him very very much, the prospect of a night in alone is “The Dream”.

I have friends that find my excitement at him going out strange. If we go back to me from 7 years ago, if asked, I’d agree. However as I’ve grown up, I’ve learned to value, and I mean REALLY value, that time where I hang out with no-one else, just me.

To be able to spend some time on my own is an absolute luxury for me; I work away a lot, and invariably I’m with colleagues. If I’m not with colleagues, sure I’m alone, but I’m not in “my space”. I’m stuck in a hotel room. Don’t get me wrong, they’re more often than not, very comfortable rooms, but it sure ain’t home! The rest of the time, Dave and I are pretty inseparable. Which is lovely, but there comes a point where I just need to be alone!

I can’t say I’ll be doing anything ground breaking. Probably just catching up on some washing, lighting a couple of candles and binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. There may be Yoga and there will definitely be meditation. Not rock ‘n’ roll, but it feels like some quality “Goddess Time” to me!

Hope you have a Saturday night which will be as fulfilling for you, as mine will be for me, whatever you do 🙂

Jxx

Crying about it won’t fix me

I’ve not known whether to talk about this openly or not, but here’s the thing. I’m currently going through diagnosis for a neurological condition. They (the doctors) think it’s MS. I’m inclined to believe them.

Reflecting on my health over the past 6 years, I’ve had funny little glitches with my body, along with some serious eye problems thrown in. It was the recent blindness in my left eye, which has sorted itself out now; but triggered the diagnosis I’m going through.

I’m constantly shattered, I’ve permanently got a tingling in my legs and sometimes they feel so weak I don’t want to stand up anymore. I spend my weekends catching up on sleep and even that’s not enough sleep. And this isn’t even half of it.

It’s tough right now. All I want are answers. Unfortunately though it just doesn’t work like that. I just keep getting sent for more tests.

The positives that are already coming out of this for me though is a desire to be happier with who I am, and loving myself more. If things don’t fill me with happiness, why are they in my life?

I’m amazed at my own strength. Sure I spent the first three days of my holiday flinging myself about and crying my eyes out, but I’m through that now.

It’s one of those things that’s just shit. There’s no other way about it. But the fact is, something is up with me and there’s no point wallowing in it. Crying about it isn’t going to fix me. But being strong both physically and mentally will at least put me in the best possible situation to deal with what lies ahead.